I
decided to try writing again about my experiences because I enjoy the feed back
from people that read my work and then I chose this route because one of my
friends advised me to write what I have
practised not practise what I have written. This is something that I have been
struggling with for years and I am still struggling with it. Have you ever felt
like there is a fight inside you, between your spirit and soul, between the
outer and the inner person, between your mind and your heart? Like there is war
or revolution happening inside you. You would hear girls say ‘my heart loves
him but my mind tells me something different’ or ‘my body says yes but my mind
is in disagreement’, don’t we just hate that feeling where there is no harmony
inside you or between the parts of your body, where you just feel powerless.
I
like how Paul said it, ‘I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I
do not do, but what I hate I do’. This struggle happens every day in my life
from choosing friends, girlfriends (not that I have many options to choose
from), movies, or even clothes to wear at times. When I was growing up as a
child, there was battle inside me about my sexuality and my identity, a lot of
times I felt trapped or prisoned and there was no way of escape. I was always
different even at school I did not play sport like other children; I was more
interested in reading, or debating. So I tried a lot of different things like
smoking, drinking, dating, partying, suicide, pierced my tongue, porn,
masturbating and started batting for both teams, doing all these things trying to find myself, find happiness and also to ease the war in me. All these things did
not bring me peace that I was searching for, yes they did bring joy and relief
but just for a short time.
Then
one day I decided to try this well-known celebrity, preached about everywhere
you go, as my last option with hope for a better life and solution to this war
in me. I tried Jesus Christ, ooooooh boy! He changed my life, not that He
removed me from the battle ground but He trained me and at times did fight my
battles, brought friends in my life to help me fight the battle. In 2010 I met
a beautiful, God fearing young lady, Charity and she taught me the word, guided
me to living a victorious Christian life and I’m forever grateful to God for
making our paths cross. Even today this war is still taking place; KEEP
FIGHTING.
Oh,
what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated
by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. –Romans
7:24-25
By Mpumelelo Phakathi . @Mpumel_lo
