Do you ever wish you had a chance to meet someone again for the first time? well yes, but that 'yes' is a very sad yes, because how does someone wish that they could meet that one person that has hurt them countless times for the first time all over again.
How do you hate someone so much but still love them at the same damn time. When I started falling for this guy, I fell hard, I never had someone in my life that told me how love and relationships work, I lived this love story through fairy tales, this love of mine I lived it through a movie script. The day things started falling apart little by little I could not understand why this was happening to me.
I said to God but why me, I go to church, I am a Christian, I pray, I read my Bible, I deserve this, Lord I have been good, I am a beautiful person (inside and out) But this guy made me realise that even if you are a good person, you could get screwed up the most, your heart could get played.
After all he had done to me I still could not resist because I was so fixed on him being 'my one' him being my fairy tale, I thought that me being a good person and always forgiving him and always going when he wanted to see me that he would finally realise that this girl is a keeper. I was even willing to give it up to him because my heart was ready but I did not know that my mind, body and spirit needed to be ready too. When you date someone who is not dating well it can really cause complications within you and in your life.
It finally hit me when I heard stories about how love and relationships are supposed to be like, I remember having a heart to heart with my best friend about this guy and I just did not have any words to explain how I was feeling but what I took out of that conversation with her is that "if someone really likes you, he would have asked you out a long time ago". Me being me, I went against everything she had asked me to do, she told me to let go and it made me hunger for him even more, she hated him for what he did to me but as my best friend she supported me but made it clear that she does not like him.
The day we stopped talking for no reason at all, it tore me apart, I wanted to know why, how, all of those questions but my pride would not let me talk to him or even ask him, since he stopped talking to me. I had to psyche myself up that I am over this guy every time I saw his name on Facebook, BBM, Twitter and whatsapp, I told myself that I am deleting him off all of my social networks and his number needs to go but my heart would not let me do it.
Sooner or later I had to wake up from this world that I had created for myself and Mr Prince Charming, every love song would have me placing him in that song, but I had to move on, I reminded myself that I am a strong black Christian woman, I forgave him and moved on. But the minute I saw him, feelings came rushing in, my heart dropped but it soon turned into anger.
For how long would this guy have such a big hold over me, I refused and then Bruno Mars comes with his song "When I was your man" I hate it when songs can have so much meaning or just throw you in a pool of emotions after listening to the lyrics.
If I had to write down in detail what this prince charming of mine did to me, emotionally it would tear you down and you would also ask me why do I believe in fairy tales when I've been through so much. But I believe I cant allow another man to suffer for the previous ones mistake, it his fault for not realising my worth. I am not the kind of woman that anybody can let down and think that it is okay, I need someone to show me that they're sorry for what happened, or for what did not happen.
I'll never allow anyone to torment what I believe in, I would rather still believe in fairy tales than have me seeing every good guy that comes into my life as a jerk or an asshole just because I got burned, I thought that I could finally have a love story like the ones in movies. truth is "God is refining your future spouse so that they'll know how to love you right" all it takes is a little patience, relationships are not easy.
